Look at that, I’m writing my third blog in as many days.

Yesterday, I wrote about dating rules that should be made cool again.  Part of what I wrote was that you have to establish trust, which I felt was it’s own blog.  I am going to write about building trust, and the adjoining respect that comes with it, because I feel it’s important in any relationship.  Not just romantic relationships.

Let’s start with how easy it is to lose trust.

Trust is very easy to lose with anyone.  It’s easy to violate.  It takes a simple careless act to do the deed.  Infidelity is likely the leading cause of lost trust in romantic relationships.  However, there are other ways of being unfaithful that don’t involve romance.  It can be as simple as not keeping your word you gave to a coworker, or disappearing when you’re needed, or by the act of telling a lie.

When I was young and my dad caught me in a lie, he stated that, “you can lie to us and we’ll keep loving you regardless because you’re our son.  If you lie to others, outside the family, they don’t have to love you.”  I didn’t get the message right then but I did start figuring it out as I grew up.  I’ve had a friend, who said he was a “blood brother” of mine, steal money from me.  That violation of my trust was enough for me to end my friendship with him.  He’s tried to restart the friendship but I won’t allow it.  He hasn’t attoned for what he did, nor has he taken accountability for his choice.

Trust is so easy to lose and very hard to regain.  When you start out with someone, you’re a little wary even if you don’t realize it.  As you get to know that person, you develop an idea of who they are, even if they aren’t showing you everything about them, and you develop a level of trust with that person.  We all do it to some level.  There are people I didn’t trust right from the moment I met them and still don’t trust.  There are others that I didn’t trust at first but developed trust over time.  It’s not a short or easy process and it’s not even an easy process to describe.

Getting and maintaining trust takes getting to know someone on a personal level.  It takes time to develop because you have to be congruent with your words and actions over time.  The more your actions and words match, the deeper the trust becomes.  Sometimes it does happen quicker but that’s usually associated with meeting in a club or speed dating.  When it’s that quick, it either involves sex or someone who isn’t watching for red flags.  Mistakes will happen when you don’t take time to know someone.

In dating, the common rule is 3-5 dates before sex happens.  Sex is a form of trust because you’re putting your heath, your emotions, and what you know of the person you’re with out there when you’re in bed with them.  Your health is at risk if you aren’t making certain they’re free from STDs or pregnancy if contraceptives aren’t used.  Sex does involve emotions, even if it’s a one-night stand.  Intimate sex is used as a form of expressing love.  Casual sex can be viewed as a form of acceptance that self-esteem is based upon.  I’ve known women who based their self-esteem on who wanted to have sex with them.  It didn’t matter that the sex was devoid of intimacy but that it was a feeling of being desired.

That’s why we use 3-5 dates before considering sexual activity with someone.  We want to feel safe with whom we give ourselves to and to feel safe we have to be able to trust that person.  So we look for things that could be red flags for us.  Everyone has different forms of red flags.  A couple of mine are women who are too needy and women who tell stories that make me wonder about them and question who they are.

Following through with what you say you’re going to do is a great way to develop trust.  It shows that you’re responsible and that you respect the person enough to see to what you said you would do.  What it also shows is that you’re dependable.  Dependability is a form of trust.  If you cannot be depended upon, no one is going to feel safe with you and they are NOT going to call upon you when they need help.

So, what do you do to get and maintain trust.  Start off by being true to yourself.  If you are true to yourself and have good ethics, it will show in your everyday actions.  When your everyday actions are consistent, people will begin to trust you and depend upon you because actions and words are consistent.  Honesty is a large part of trust.  You have to be honest with yourself before being honest with others.  When you’re honest with yourself, you accept yourself as you are and put forth that image, which people like.

In my everyday life, I treat people honestly and I act like I want to be treated.  I’m not perfect but I am doing my best to be true to myself.  People respond to me kindly and they trust me because I treat them with the same trust as respect.  It makes my life easier because I am given the benefit of the doubt when things go wrong, people are happy to see me, and I am valued.  When I make mistakes, I take accountability for my actions and choices, which will gain trust from all you’re being accountable to.

Now I am not telling you this so you can manipulate people into trusting you.  Doing that is considered the act of a sociopathic or a narcissist.  Manipulating people will lose all trust for you and it will be impossible to get it back.  Manipulating people should, in my opinion, should be beaten within an inch of their lives so they have a price to pay for being manipulative.

Good relationships are based on communication, trust and respect.  If you don’t have trust and respect, you won’t have the communication.  At least it won’t be the deep meaningful kind of communication that helps relationships get through those rough spots all relationships have.  Before you get involved with someone you want to be with, make certain that you’re being true to yourself, you have good ethics, and your actions are consistent with your words.

Until then…